Okay, now that I’m here, I don’t know where to start. There’s been so much thoughts running in my mind yesterday, last night. So many things to think about, to iron out and to reflect upon.

I don’t know what makes me lose trust, but I’m pretty sure I did. Since young, I always want an absolute answer for everything even though I know that, not all things can have an answer. Yes, I trust people easily and that’s cause I believe everyone deserves a second chance. But in doing so, I allow myself to get hurt way too many times. I guess the question is, is it worth it?

Roles. We played so many roles in this lifetime. Daughters, sons, parents, students. friends, partners..  In different stages of life, we are playing different roles though sometimes we are playing more than 1 role. Have it ever occurred to you whether you are playing them well? We might not do well in everything. But I think the main question is whether we have tried. Throughout the many major transitions in my life, I hope I had been a good enough daughter, good enough student, good enough friend and a good enough girlfriend. I hope, yet again, What is good enough?

Now at this point in life, it really makes me wonder about my life in the past 3 years. I felt that I wasted 3 years of my life, living without a direction, following what others think is right, pleasing people, living in the shadows of others and not being myself. Maybe it’s not as bad as it sounds, but I felt that I lost my joy in the past 3 years. Having to make decisions to please others, thinking for others and suffocating myself. I’m tired. Of everything. Take breaks? It’s always good to have a getaway, but if our hearts and inner self is not coming to terms, no matter how many short trips and retreats we have, we will still come back feeling the same. Being human, we are not contented with life. We want something more, something better even though we already have what is good. New hand phones, constant search for a better girlfriend than the current one, better grades, bigger house, better cars. But you know something? There is no such thing as, “the best” and “perfect”. Perfection and best are what we define it to be.

Can we just learn to stay contented?

Human relations are always the hardest issue to deal with, because it involves understanding, communication, time, effort and of course many heartbreaks. But without heartbreaks, how would we know who meant the world to us? And are we doing anything to protect and love the people that we said meant the world to us or are we just allowing things to happen on its own? I know how hard and terrible it feels when no one understands your stand, but I think the hardest part is - when no one is even listening. We all love differently, we each have a different love language. In r/s, its all about compromising, isn’t it? We can’t expect others to follow our ways in everything. Everyone have their own tempers, own background. It’s not easy for two to come together, with all the differences. Some end up in divorce, some in marriages - happy or sad. But the underlying question is, are we even trying to work out the differences, compromise and understand each other from each point of view? We need to define for ourselves - Is it all worth it?

At least for me, I always believe in trying, at least I wouldn’t regret. If there’s an issue, talk it out. Speak in love.

I’m not gonna conform any longer to what others said or think. I’ve my own thoughts, own stand. And my own temper. I will appreciate and love myself more, it doesn’t matter. Life’s great. ;) Treat myself right.

Time flies. All girls’ dream - getting married, grand beautiful wedding. Trust me, even career woman wants that, deep down they do. Aggie looks beautiful today, extremely lovely. ;) I want to be smiling happily from the heart as well - when I get married. That’s the kind of unexplainable joy that comes straight from the heart.

(via runawaytrain)

Growing up is such a funny thing. When we were young, we dream to be this, to be that, we hope to have freedom, to control our own lives, to not study, to drink cold drinks, not eat veg, buy lots of candies, stay up late and skip school the next day. We fell down, we cry, we need others to pick us up from the fall. As we grow older, at some point we wish to stop growing, we look at kids on the street and think how fortunate they are to be so carefree and protected. We look back, and wish we were still kids.

Been having conversations about growing up and one’s past, makes me think back about my own growing up process. Yes, “ah lian” as many of you call it. But trust me, I thank God for all the past experiences and being that logical and rational even though people labelled me as an “ah lian”. I never did those silly things, I didn’t go that far in that wrong path, I never crossed certain lines and I’m glad I’ve loved myself throughout my rebellious years. And because of my rebellious nature, I’ve learn a lot of things in the hard way. Bang the wall countless times to realize the pain. But honestly, if you ask, I never regret any of those moments, a big part of it makes me who I am today.

There have been a few turning points in my life and one of the biggest turning point was when daddy had stroke, hospitalized, recovering period and when he is gone. Through the entire process, I saw how someone I seen as strong and powerful becomes so fragile, how life is so unpredictable and how much he actually cares for the family. He not only taught me what is love, he showed me what it means to love. I saw how he endures all the pain and hurts coming from everywhere, including the family, but he still choose to love. I remember asking him, “Daddy, aren’t you tired of all these?”, he said, “You choose your own path, and no matter how tough and hard, you walk it.” -That’s something engraved in my heart.

I had it all complete, I had it all broken as well. So trust me when I say I understand. And If you ask me, I would tell you that -Yes, life’s harder and tougher without daddy. The whole family seems directionless, poorer and the weight has been on me. I feel that burden, I feel the difference. But, we all learn that life still goes on. I was never the kind to cry and whine about how daddy-less I am and stay in self-pity for a long period of time. I had a perfect relationship with my father, I miss him since he went away, I still miss him now and sometimes I wish I can hug him one last time. But i’m glad and blessed, at least I once had it all. : )